sharing grief in miscarriage

We sat at opposite ends of the couch facing each other.  Our heads laid back, looking up at the photos hung all the wall.  The two on the left are still hanging crooked.  I can see his chest rising and falling and he's thinking. He's missing.  Missing what will not be hanging on that wall come Spring.  That third bundle of joy--we won't have a picture to hang like we do of our other two blessings.  Tears stream down again.

And that's how it's been the last five months and two days.  We don't talk about it to anyone; just to God and each other. About how much it hurts and there is immense pain and disappointment. There are tears and moments I just have to gush my heart out to God about why I don't understand why He did it at all.  What was the purpose? Why did He take mine away and surround me with pregnant women and babies?

The ultrasound picture is still hanging on the fridge. The one we got the day we heart the strong 167 heart beats a minute. I don't want to forget.

The nursery bedroom stays closed because I can't stand the thought of looking into an empty room. There should be a crib up by now and the glider should be in the corner awaiting to soothe and nurse a hungry babe in the wee hours of the night.

My womb should be swollen and full of life, but it's not.  And there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about it and push back tears.

I know it seems silly. I was just three months along when it slipped away. I have friends who have lost babies full term.  I know the pain I feel isn't as immense as theirs, but it still makes me incredibly sad.  I had already had dreams of this baby and what our family would be like; to see Paige and Noah swoon over a little one in the house and help care for it.  We had waited a couple of years for a baby and now... we can just hurry up and keep waiting.

How to find JOY in death, in loss, in disappointment. In simply not getting what I want.

He leads me to Mary...the mother of my Savior.

When the angel came and told her of God's plan and she simply responded, "I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word."

God literally filled her womb with the Son of God and she didn't complain, but accepted His will for her. She displayed such trust in the Lord.  Even though many would not understand and would not believe her and Joseph could have had her stoned to death, she trusted.

The Lord reminded me tonight that when we humbly accept His plans (even when they do not align with our own) and trust Him, we are filled with great joy.

Because His ways and His plans are so much higher and greater than our own. He knows what is best for us. And though I can't see the big picture and I am not sure how He will work a miscarriage for our good, I am trusting and waiting to see what He does next!  I am learning that HE is enough and HE alone can fill me with authentic JOY.

Our circumstances don't fill us with JOY, God does!

So whether your womb is filled or emptied, whether your monies are plentiful or scarce, whether your friends are many or few, whether your days consist of laundry, teaching manners to little ones, waiting tables, scheduling appointments, doing paperwork, running electrical wire in new construction, filing taxes or homeschooling your children...

God wants to fill you with JOY that isn't determined by your circumstances.

Gratitude turns what we have into enough