sharing grief in miscarriage

We sat at opposite ends of the couch facing each other.  Our heads laid back, looking up at the photos hung all the wall.  The two on the left are still hanging crooked.  I can see his chest rising and falling and he's thinking. He's missing.  Missing what will not be hanging on that wall come Spring.  That third bundle of joy--we won't have a picture to hang like we do of our other two blessings.  Tears stream down again.

And that's how it's been the last five months and two days.  We don't talk about it to anyone; just to God and each other. About how much it hurts and there is immense pain and disappointment. There are tears and moments I just have to gush my heart out to God about why I don't understand why He did it at all.  What was the purpose? Why did He take mine away and surround me with pregnant women and babies?

The ultrasound picture is still hanging on the fridge. The one we got the day we heart the strong 167 heart beats a minute. I don't want to forget.

The nursery bedroom stays closed because I can't stand the thought of looking into an empty room. There should be a crib up by now and the glider should be in the corner awaiting to soothe and nurse a hungry babe in the wee hours of the night.

My womb should be swollen and full of life, but it's not.  And there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about it and push back tears.

I know it seems silly. I was just three months along when it slipped away. I have friends who have lost babies full term.  I know the pain I feel isn't as immense as theirs, but it still makes me incredibly sad.  I had already had dreams of this baby and what our family would be like; to see Paige and Noah swoon over a little one in the house and help care for it.  We had waited a couple of years for a baby and now... we can just hurry up and keep waiting.

How to find JOY in death, in loss, in disappointment. In simply not getting what I want.

He leads me to Mary...the mother of my Savior.

When the angel came and told her of God's plan and she simply responded, "I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word."

God literally filled her womb with the Son of God and she didn't complain, but accepted His will for her. She displayed such trust in the Lord.  Even though many would not understand and would not believe her and Joseph could have had her stoned to death, she trusted.

The Lord reminded me tonight that when we humbly accept His plans (even when they do not align with our own) and trust Him, we are filled with great joy.

Because His ways and His plans are so much higher and greater than our own. He knows what is best for us. And though I can't see the big picture and I am not sure how He will work a miscarriage for our good, I am trusting and waiting to see what He does next!  I am learning that HE is enough and HE alone can fill me with authentic JOY.

Our circumstances don't fill us with JOY, God does!

So whether your womb is filled or emptied, whether your monies are plentiful or scarce, whether your friends are many or few, whether your days consist of laundry, teaching manners to little ones, waiting tables, scheduling appointments, doing paperwork, running electrical wire in new construction, filing taxes or homeschooling your children...

God wants to fill you with JOY that isn't determined by your circumstances.

Gratitude turns what we have into enough

The Word Became Flesh

Two weeks ago we finished reading the Old Testament with Noah and Paige.

Time to begin the New Testament with the birth of Christ and reading the only tidbits of his boyhood.  We have not read many of the stories about the life and ministry of Jesus to our children. We have read so much of the Old Testament that I just realized in the last month that we haven't shared a lot of the New Testament with them.

Of course we have shared about the birth, death and resurrection of Jesus, but we have left out a very important piece--His life on earth.

My children and I have much to learn from His life. He was the greatest missionary and we want to live like Him.

We need to read about His life so that we know how to love, how to be content, how to pray, so we know who we are following and where are we going and why? We need to know how to be a good friend and how to turn the other cheek with others hurt us, how do we forgive, do we really have the power of God dwelling in us through the Holy Spirit?

We need to know when to go to the crowds and when to withdraw with the Father.  We need the Bread of Life and the Living Water because we can't be good enough for God.  We can't earn our salvation by memorizing enough verses, going to church enough, tithing enough.  We can't earn salvation. It is a free gift of God--Grace!

So two weeks ago we start reading the New Testament and I am truly giddy inside that we are finally telling our children the TRUE stories of when the Christ child grew into a man like their father.  I can't stop smiling as we start to read about the first miracle of turning water into wine and the stories and the miracles go on and on.  I feel like a little kid inside as we share these stories of what Jesus really did!  Reading about John baptizing Jesus and it finally clicking with Noah that John is Elizabeth and Zechariah's son.  He remembered how God made Zechariah mute in the temple because he didn't believe Elizabeth would have a baby.  Noah realizes that this is the same John that leapt in the womb of Elizabeth when Mary came to see her, pregnant with the Savior of the world.  Maybe I am a nerd, but this excites me when the Holy Spirit is helping our son connect the dots of who is who in the Bible.

Last week, I get an email from a friend saying she knows of a Lenten devotional we can get our hands on.  We have never observed Lent until this year. We are doing a very simple family devotion for the 40 days leading up to the the Resurrection Sunday.  Guess what? The devotional starts with the birth of Christ and goes through His life and ministry! God knew me and my kids needed this!

Easter is my favorite holiday!  A time where we can celebrate that Christ paid our debt. He had to do everything for us. He had to be the perfect sacrifice because we simply can do none of it! Excited to spend my days remembering to be mindful of the Word becoming Flesh.

So go on and crack open the New Testament, whether it be your first time reading the captivating stories or your 100th time to reread the Good News, I pray that the Spirit would refresh your joy and thankfulness and put a desire in your heart to live for Him alone.