my Jonah moment

so this is long.....but stay with me....

Last week I started a Bible study on the life of Jonah.  Jonah: Navigating a Life Interrupted by Priscilla Shirer.  It's awesome!  And what I have learned in one week is that my life is SO much like Jonah's.  And while this is a story about Jonah, it is more a story about our great big God, His faithfulness, His righteousness, His grace and so much more.

This study also shows how when you view God as significant then whatever task He asks you to do is significant and you realize it is not an interruption, but a divine intervention...an invitation to join His purposes.

Amazing Grace!

Ok, so I thought it would be appropriate to share my own personal Jonah moment that happened back in March. This and several other factors encouraged me that I should do this study.

In March of this year Steve and I took a trip to Romania to actually see where we believed God was leading us to serve Him.  We had felt the push that it was time since the February of 2009....God was leading us in a different direction and it was towards missions, but we had NO idea where, when, how, what....so many questions...so many unknowns.  In May of 2009 we realized that it was Romania to work with Belief in Motion....but why?

We had never been there??  Sure I knew the people who worked there, but Steve didn't know them from Adam.  Nonetheless, after much prayer, fasting, asking questions from others who knew us well... it was confirmed for us by God and His Word that this was indeed where we were to go!

So almost a year later (March of this year) Steve and I left our children for 8 days and went to Romania to see the area, see the in's and out's of the ministry, meet the people, see where we may live, etc.  It was an overwhelming experience.  It had been eight years since I had seen poverty like that and I don't think it is a sight you ever get used to.

I didn't feel like myself for a couple of reasons.
1.  I was separated from my kids.  I felt naked...lost....worried...sad. I cried myself to sleep every night for the first four nights.  It was just weird. I missed them horribly.
2. On day six I still felt like I had jet lag and was just exhausted!  I couldn't shake the tired feeling.
3.  I had a sick feeling in my gut the whole time....seeing the poverty, the darkness, the hopelessness....broke...my...heart!

here my jonah moment begins....

It is the day before we are heading back to the States. Steve is out doing construction and I head to government housing.  This is a dark place....literally....there is not much light in the building.  And spiritually dark...oppression, shame, abuse, just dark!  I met a lady and within seconds of meeting me she shares that she is about to have an abortion....again! She had just had one 6 months previously.  I tell her I have two small children and she tells me she already has three....and she plans to sell them!

My heart sank.  My eyes well up with tears.  Trying to hold it all in.  My heart fills with anger and hatred towards this woman.  How can she do this??  Who does she think she is sleeping around and then just selling and murdering innocent children??

I get back to the missionaries house and Steve and I go up to our room to talk.  I have had made new plans in my mind.  I burst into tears, bawling my eyes out and I tell Steve, "we are not moving here. I can't.  I hate this place.  I hate these people."  I share with him what this woman told me at government housing.  "This people don't watch to change.  They don't care about life....they have no regard for life.  The do not deserve God and His forgiveness."  

EEwwww.....even writing it out....i can't believe those words came out of my mouth. I asked who this woman thought she was, but who do I think I am??   I am the least deserving of His forgiveness, His Spirit, His grace.

But, you get to see my honest nasty heart.  For a moment there I thought my sin wasn't so bad as hers.  I thought I could cast a stone or two.  The very reason God was telling us to go is why I was wanting to turn around and run to Tarshish!

Sweet Steve--he said just the right words in that moment.  He said, "you don't need to make any decisions right now.  You are really emotional. And honestly....I think you are having a Jonah moment."

Me: silent!

I knew it was true.  We knew what God was telling us to do and I was rebelling in my heart out of selfishness...out of my own sin.

Just as the Lord wouldn't let Jonah run away too long and too far, He did the same for me.  Thankfully, I didn't get swallowed by a big fish.

But His Spirit calmed me and reminded me of what the LORD had done in our lives and that Steve and I and Noah and Paige were involved, but ultimately...this is not about us.  It's about HIM!