reflecting

Today was a productive day....lawn mowed, gutters cleaned and that is basically all that got done, but when you have a 3 year old and a one year old that sounds like quite a feat. So we felt good about that. But tonight as I am thinking about my day, my life...I am a little discouraged. You see, I failed to mention that the grass in our yard had not been mowed in almost two weeks and it looked bad, our gutters...well, they had a mini forest growing in them (no lie, trees were growing!--embarrassing, but true). And as I write this at my very unorganized desk, in a messy toy-filled play room with 3-4 loads of laundry that need to put away, I am also thinking about the loads of laundry going in the dryer and washer, my bathrooms need to be cleaned, all of my floors need to be mopped, closets need to be organized and we still have a pretty long to-do list of projects for our house before we leave in January. Sorry for the terrible run-on sentence! There are bills to be paid and cards I want to write to people. Then, I got to thinking about our car. This morning I had to go clean it out because of all the granola bar wrappers, water bottle, sippy cups, cheerios EVERYWHERE and there are still toys and books covering the back floors. (some days I just feel I can't keep it all clean at the same time, ahhh!) I was thinking if my car and my gutters and my home, today, are a reflection of my heart and mind--that's NOT good! So I had to examine.

So tonight I am thinking about all of this clutter! And feeling like my mind and heart feel the same way. I may not can see the clutter, but I feel it! We are very much wanting, trying, needing to simplify our lives and how much "stuff" we possess before January and at this point I am ready to burn, throw away or give away all of my stuff...well, a lot of my stuff! I don't like clutter, but today it seems that a lot of areas in my life are cluttered. I like a clean house, but I LOVE spending time with my kids. So I know that sometimes my house goes because my kids come first! And that is very worth it to me! But at the same time, I dont want them growing up in a cluttered home, with a mom who has a cluttered heart!

Tonight, as I am thinking about my heart and my mind I am wondering how it gets this way. Why do I not live as if Jesus were the focus of my life 24/7? Why am I worrying/thinking about 15 other things at one time, but haven't been in the WORD today? I feel I am so inconsistent, so unfaithful at times...and He is continuously unconditionally kind and faithful and generous to me! I am so humbled and thankful for my Savior. I don't want my mind to be full of anxious thoughts or any thoughts that are not of Him. I need my heart to be "cleansed by faith" daily! ( Acts. 15:9) And I need to be with my LORD daily so that His Word can sharpen and judge my intentions and my heart. So He can search me and know my ways and make me more and more like Himself through His power and grace!

It boils down to me being selfish...and lazy. I want to do what I want to do most of the time, not thinking how I will be a better disciple, a better mother, a better wife, a better sister, a better daughter, a better neighbor (you get the picture) if I were spending time my Savior more consistently...through prayer, worship and reading. I am not saying that these things aren't a part of my life...they very much are. It's how I survive, it's how I am in a joyful marriage with a man I love more than words can describe, how I parent with grace and love. But some weeks, most weeks, I fall short of His glory and this has been one of those weeks! I must decrease and He must increase! I just want to be set apart...holy....for Him!